Before going on the Camino I though that I would meet new and interesting people, and I did. I also discovered that the same type of people that annoy me at home annoyed me on the Camino.
For some reason I had thought that the type of people that annoyed me were particular to my country and society. I found on the Camino that they were universal. I was disappointed and naive. No matter where I went the people were generally the same and fell into the usual categories.
This meant I had to change my outlook. If the same people were always going to annoy me what could I do about it? I don’t like to feel annoyed so something had to be done.
My solution was to act and treat the people that annoyed me differently. Instead of trying to ignore them or get away from them as fast as possible I spent more time with them. An extra 10 seconds, an extra minute – this was something that I had to do slowly. I could not expect too much of myself in the beginning.
As I got to know them I cared, they still annoy me, but now I care at the same time and the balance seems to work for me.
This was written by Fr. Frank de Gouveia for the CSJ of SA Nov issue of AMIGOS
Paolo Coelho who wrote that famous book on Pilgrimage, also wrote a book entitled The Alchemist. Travelling appealed to the main character in this book because “he always made new friends, and he didn’t need to spend all of his time with them. When someone sees the same people every day, as had happened with him at the seminary, they wind up becoming a part of that person’s life. And then they want that person to change.”
As pilgrims on the Camino we do meet new people every day and perhaps because they are not part of our lives we can allow them to be who they are without wanting to change them. One of life’s lessons on the Camino is that people just are and we can grow in relationship only if we give up the urge to want to change them, fix them or make them as we think they should be.
The flower on the side of the road is content just to be a flower and we can enjoy the flower simply by accepting it as it is. Nature is the perfect teacher in helping us to accept the ‘is-ness’ of things. And so in the same way, once we can let go of the desire to change, manipulate or control other human beings, the more open we will be to being surprised by the uniqueness and giftedness of every fellow pilgrim.
In some ways I have never felt as accepted as I have on the Camino and at the same time have experienced myself as being accepting of others. One of the tasks of every returning pilgrim is to translate this into daily life. Ironically it is by developing a sense of detachment that I can begin to feel so at one with others that I can provide them with the space to be who they authentically are. It is just another way of carrying out the commandment to love. Unity, fraternity and solidarity are indeed the spirit of pilgrimage.
Thanks Sil.
Letting people be…
This was a problem for me then, less so now.
Take care
Thanks for letting us in on this profound insight. I thought it was only ME who got so annoyed with people that I can’t stand being around them. Spending an extra minute or even a few seconds is an “impossibility” for me, but seeing that you managed it and it helped is of great importance. I’ll give it try as well.
It’s funny / odd / interesting that I came upon your blog again tonight (it’s been awhile) as this morning I decided that I was going to treat the real mean crazy ones in my life like they were “mentally ill ninos” (children) and be considerate and solicitous accordingly. Treat them like they want to be treated and then get the heck away from them! I guess that’s a first step.
I recently did it twice and so far it worked in that it placated them and satisfied me, since I know I am doing it to protect MYSELF. In the process, I was protected from my own set of negative emotions (freed from self-generated ones) and the whiners and attackers got taken care of in a solicitous manner. So I guess I did what you are talking about the same day I read this. Et voila! Will miracles never cease?
I decided these people were put in my path to teach me understanding and patience, if not forgiveness – too hard for me – but I can start with the patience part.
“Our enemies are our greatest teachers.” I hope this is true, for it seems I grew up in a family of “teachers.” I need a Pilgrimage!
Thanks so much for posting. Can’t wait to read more. CT